Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
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its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
🤣✨#caturday
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk