Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs