Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
You Might Also Like
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad