Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
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DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.