Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
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The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
DOOO EEEET
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Morning my dudes.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[eulogy]
line?