Grandmother clock.
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Dietest Coke
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
sleeping beauty
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*