FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.