{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
And now we wait
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?