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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.