Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.