Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
This made me chuckle.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game