Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.