Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I hate everything
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.