Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
bias laundering edition
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Good news
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans