The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself