Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
You Might Also Like
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Who did it better?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”