The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
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Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.