you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
so this horse walks into a bar
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Taliband
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.