Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.