super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.