My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.