Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool