Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
You Might Also Like
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me trying to look natural in photos
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!