my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
The asteroid..
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
it must be school picture day
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”