Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT