Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Scream sneezers need love too.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Did my cat write this
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.