THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed