No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.