I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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*3.5 thank you very much.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.