Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Oh we’ve met.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
everyone has that one prude friend
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery