My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
You Might Also Like
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft