“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
You had me at “define legal”.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.