Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
You learn something every day
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
me adding lol on a serious message
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?