Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
lmao
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.