Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”