Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters