Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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crying
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
my sentiments exactly
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.