911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
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With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
finally found a reasonable question
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
When they try to steal your moment.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Wikigenius
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.