modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
You Might Also Like
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook