PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.