Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.