*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not