my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective