“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead