You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*