When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
nature’s most graceful animal