rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
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My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey