remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Check out the legs on this baby
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Cheers Twitter.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.