Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
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ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?