*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I’M CRYINGGG
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Care for your back
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.